Honesty

I'm not a liar. I don't try to convince people that I'm good at sports, a natural blonde, or that I'm a prodigious clarinet player. However, I have had a problem with bending the truth.

This isn't a habit I'm proud of or I do intentionally, but I usually use it when something bad happens to ease the pain for myself. And probably I subconsciously want other people to view me a certain way, but at least in my conscious mind it seems like I tell little half truths to avoid facing the magnitude of the truth.

For example, right now I'm taking three weeks of an Algebra II class at summer school. I didn't flunk out or anything, but I took a really hard IB math course first semester (moral of this story: the IB program is not my thing) and that resulted in me getting a C and switching into Algebra II. I did pretty well in the second semester Algebra II class, but I have to get a B in summer school or they won't let me into Pre-Calculus, and I'll have to take finite mathematics, which frankly is a stupid person math class.

That, right there, was the truth. However, when people ask me why I'm in the class I don't mention the grades or the impending doom of finite math, I just kind of shrug and say it's to get the credits for college. Which is also true, it's just not the main reason. This leads me to two questions:

1. Is it necessary that other people know the truth about my faults?

2. Is it necessary for my own personal improvement that I tell other people about my faults?

So far I feel that the answer to question one is no, but the answer to question two might be yes. When it comes to talking to people I don't know very well or am uncomfortable with, it's often easier to give the shorter, half-true answer. But I don't know if it's good for me to go on like that, especially with people I feel like I could be close friends with. For example (I need to think of another phrase that means 'for example'), earlier last year I was walking with my friend Clair at school when we saw a poster for the fall play. She casually asked me if I had auditioned, and I said no. But I had auditioned, I just hadn't gotten in.

Was I harming anyone with that little white lie? No. It didn't effect anyone or anything. But if I can't own up to my own little slip-ups to my friends, then what's going to happen when I have a BIG slip-up? Because I do mess up a lot of things. I poked myself in the eye with a straw today. If that can happen I can probably mess up a lot of things. And I think it's important that I can acknowledge my own downfalls, and until I'm at a place where I can do that securely and not beat myself up and spiral downhill into a pit of low self-esteem. Until then, I just need to be honest. Not necessarily to complete strangers, but always to my friends.

Take today, for example (darn you stupid phrase). After summer school I walked to lunch with my friends Tyler and Haley, and although I've known them for a while (I've actually known Haley since I was about six or seven), we haven't spent much time just us. And we were at lunch for a really long time, thankfully we were three of the only people in the restaurant, and we just rambled on from subject to subject and I was able to be really honest with them. We just talked about our experiences with theatre and other random things and I didn't lie or stretch the truth or eliminate facts. And it was all very good and lovely and nothing bad happened, and I hope I can be like that in the future. I would continue boring you with musings on my innermost qualities, but I have to catch a bus at 6:45 tomorrow morning and force a grumpy bus driver to make change for a ten, so I'm going to go to sleep.

Happy birthday to Joseph Papp, Kris Kristofferson, Meryl Streep, Cyndi Lauper, Erin Brockovich, and Dan Brown. Ok, that sentence was so filled with awesome, I can't even.... just go back and read that sentence again.

6:45 tomorrow.... I can't do this.

Part Two: Summer... It's Still Back

It seems like yesterday I left off talking about an appropriate workout mindset, and it seems I have on because I totally completed my first day of workout-ing today. I actually ended up doing an hour and a half more of aerobics then I planned on, but that's a story for another day.

I feel the workout was successful. I worked up a quite the sweat and I felt the burn in the intended muscles. Sophie was making fun of me because of the silly exercises in Seventeen, but I am frankly not close to being as in shape as she is, and these did the trick for my quote of training today. And the regimen was written by a really important celebrity fitness trainer named Harley. I trust him. And honestly, if I can't trust Lady Gaga's personal trainer, who can I trust?

I think the motivation thing might actually work out this year, basically because if I don't work out I'm not allowed to watch a movie or read for pleasure (I have to read for school every day regardless). Today, since I worked out, I get to read for pleasure for an hour (I JUST GOT THE NEW ANN BRASHARES BOOK!!!!!! WHO'S JEALOUS?), then I'm going to watch a movie, and then as a cool down before bed I'm going to read from my psych textbook. It's kind of... not the most difficult course I'm taking next year. And anyway, after the whirlwind day I've had, I really need a break. (No, I'm not going into details about my adventure. Maybe tomorrow.)

Happy birthday to Lionel Richie, Nicole Kidman, and my wonderful best friend, Arielle, who was kidnapped today, out of love, by Sophie and I.

NOW I GET TO READ. BECAUSE IT'S SUMMER. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH.

Summer... It's Back

This is the fourth consecutive summer I have had this blog. And many of you faithful readers have probably noticed a trend about my relationship with the dry season... that relationship being not the best.

I'm not a summer person. Although I'm completely Californian, I'm not into the heat nor the beach, I don't like always having to look skinny and perfectly shaven (summer clothing does not do much for my body) and I never really do anything. When I was little I went to camp, which was wonderful and I am so grateful for. But now that I'm older, and on top of that I only have my learner's permit, there isn't much to do. My family is going on vacation in August, and I'm extremely excited, but until then, what do I do? I have to go to summer school for twelve days and I have a pile of summer assignments and reading on my desk, but aside from those my schedule is open. SO, I have come up with a plan.

I have to do something productive every single day. I know, productive is an extremely vague word. But for example, on Friday I cleaned and organized and decorated my room. Yesterday I was not home between the hours of 11 A.M. and 12 A.M. so nothing productive got done. Today I went on an adventure with Sophie and we bought Arielle's birthday present. That's productive. But overall I want to productivity to fall under two categories- either working out or working on school. Preferably both. But every summer Seventeen magazine publishes a workout schedule, and I sort of followed it last summer. It's extremely doable. But this summer I intend on completing the entire five week schedule. It's Monday-Friday, so I have no weekend commitments to training. However, I will have to avoid sweets. My friend Gabby and her friend made a deal with each other to only have on dessert every two days (or something like that) and the first person to break the diet owed the other $300. I don't have $300, nor a person to give that money too, but hopefully the mindset thing will help.

Ok, so I have to stop blogging now because my family expects me to drop everything whenever I'm doing something to fit their schedule, so expect a part two this evening. Bye for now.

Pity

No one makes you feel anything. I believe that to be true. For example, people say, "She made me feel guilty." Well, no. You already felt guilty, this person just pointed it out. If you didn't actually feel bad, then someone saying those things wouldn't have made you feel any differently. However, I do think that there is one particular feeling that can evoke strong emotions through another person, and that emotion is pity.

Personally, whenever I'm sad or upset or angry or anything to that affect, it isn't real until someone feels bad for me. Until someone says, "I'm sorry," or gives me a hug and sympathetic smile I can't let the feeling out. Of course it depends on the situation, but I am currently being very broad. Everything hurts more when someone else feels you are worthy of their sympathy. This is probably just because it is a reminder of the painful emotions, but it still sucks.

That's why I hate pity so much. Sometimes I need to talk to people about something. If so, I let someone know I want to talk to them. But otherwise I think it's just best if life goes on as normal. Wait, now I'm being an internal hypocrite. Sometimes when I'm upset I prefer if my friends notice and don't wait for me to tell them, and then I get irritated when they don't ask. That's usually when I'm PMSing though, and PMS doesn't count.

In case you were wondering, this wasn't prompted by anything. Yes, I did get rejected at an audition, but I was in a really good mindset for that so I'm literally fine. I haven't even cried or anything, which is weird for me. It just got me thinking about other times when I have been legitimately upset.

It's technically June 7. The only reason I'm up this late is because I'm avoiding doing extra credit. And I need extra credit. I'm just avoiding it. We're getting our yearbooks today. Once you get your yearbooks, that's it, school's over. Even though senioritis has kicked in for everyone (it's not just for seniors anymore!) once the yearbooks go around, it's serious. And that's not really good, because finals haven't happened yet. Oh, well. I love yearbooks. They're probably up there in my favorite kinds of books.

Happy birthday to Liam Neeson, Prince, and Bear Grylls.

*dramatic sigh*.............. homework.................