Crying Guilt

I'm a pretty emotional person, but I used to be way worse. If you've read any of my blog entries from about the first year and a half of blogging, a pretty common phrase was probably, "and then I cried." Middle school sucked and it was one of those horrible times where a lot of bad things happen at once and I was also, you know, a hormonal pre-teen, so I didn't exactly have my emotions in check.

Going into high school I decided I was going to stop crying in public. Six out of thirteen of my middle school teachers had seen my cry, which is under 50% but some of them saw my cry more than once. Anyway, it was still six too many. I didn't want my high school reputation to be that I cried a lot, and for the first semester of high school I didn't cry at school once. Second semester I did, but it was one of those days where every little thing just goes wrong and even though each individual thing only sucks a little bit, all of the little things together just creates this colossal pile of suck you have to deal with. And then you cry.

Since then I've cried on campus a few more times. I haven't counted or anything absurd like that. However, since then I've also developed this strange feeling of guilt whenever I cry. I don't know if high school has given me some profound sense that my problems don't matter, but whenever I'm crying and my problems aren't quite big enough to take over my brain, I always think that I don't deserve to cry. I have, overall, a pretty good life. I have it harder than some and I've had to grow up faster than most kids my age (I can't believe I just said that) but compared to the vast majority of individuals I have a very, very easy life.

So then I'm struck by this crippling guilt that I'm crying about a bad grade or a bad audition or a fight with a friend or my mom yelling at me when there are people that are sick or hungry or homeless or friendless or even worse unimaginable things and they might not even be crying.

And then I sit in my bed and listen to "I Don't Want to Live on the Moon" from Sesame Street over and over again.

Happy birthday to Clark Gable, Langston Hughes, Jerry Spinelli, Meg Cabot, and Heather Morris.

I misplaced my poetry anthology and I really want to find it. Like Hazel Grace Lancaster, I prefer reading poetry to writing it.

I Was Going to Title This New Semester Resolutions But Apparently I've Done That Before

I am officially over the halfway mark of junior year! *does a happy dance in the corner*

First semester finals were Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday (except I didn't have any on Friday) and I ended the semester with the best GPA I've ever had (I don't like to brag, and I won't cause I don't have too). But, there is always room for improvement and so that means it's time for New Semester's Resolutions. I think I will have one for each class. I just decided this now. Here we go...

English: Actually read and annotate all assigned readings.

Chemistry: Try, just try, to pay attention. Maybe take notes?

Choir: Practice music at home, don't text during sectionals.

Theatre: Be more enthusiastic about working, even when I hate what I'm working on.

History: DO THE READING IN ADVANCE AND TAKE NOTES. This is my most important resolution.

Math: Do the HW when it's assigned, go to math tutoring more often.

Psychology: Do the reading and take notes during class.

Hebrew: Be less grumpy.

I think these are good resolutions. I don't have much time to write because I'm going to bed very soon. I'd just like to inform you that I've gotten very good at sticking to resolutions. For example, Monday-Thursday I do not social network or watch TV. It helps me so much, I actually do my homework and go to bed on time. It's really awesome. There are three resolutions I can never keep, and those are the following:

1. Not procrastinating. Even with the lack of social networking in my life, I still don't do any assignments unless they're do tomorrow. I try to stop, but I can't. I thrive under pressure anyway.

2. Keeping my room clean. When I get home from rehearsals/Hebrew/community service I'm so tired. I just flop onto bed, do my homework, through my books on the floor, through my clothes on the floor, put on my pajamas (fresh from the floor) and go into my warm unmade bed. Sometimes I clean on the weekends but I'm a busy girl. It's just not a priority.

3. Exercising. Mainly because I hate it with a fiery passion. It just brings me no pleasure or sense of achievement. I don't buy that bullshit about running releasing endorphins- it just isn't true. The only thing my body releases during exercise is sweat and low self-esteem.

So those are my goals and not goals for this semester. If I achieve my school goals I'll move on to the three Impossible Goals as they will now be referred to (the capital letters are important). Oh! I also want to write more. This blog post is apart of that. I'm also considering entering a short story contest... if I decide to I'll tell you about that.

Happy birthday to Sir Francis Bacon, Grigori Rasputin, D.W. Griffith, George Balanchine, and Balthazar Getty.

Well, I'm going to sleep. I went swimming tonight (it's January and I live in Southern California, so it's not weird) and I am freaking tired.

The Best Things That Happened to Me in 2011

Overall, I have to say 2011 was pretty successful. Here's why:

• I became friends with nineteen other theatregoistic teens through Center Theatre Group's Student Advisory Committee, and in the process learned so much and had an amazing time.
• I became incredibly close to the best English class and teacher ever. No class will ever live up to English II Honors Period 3, 2010-2011.
• I made a tumblr, which ended up being way too much fun.
• Sammy and I went to the gym to try Zumba.... once.
• I saw Avenue Q with my dad and two of my best friends, and it was the funniest musical I've ever seen.
• Along with three of my best friends, I sang in front of about 600 people in the final round of a group musical theatre competition, and I had an AMAZING time.
• Daniel Radcliffe sang and dance on Broadway. I know, not technically me, but still important.
• I spent an amazing weekend at the beach with some of my oldest and closest friends. Oldest as in we've been friends for a long time, not as in literally old.
• Tina Fey and Emily Deschanel both had babies. Also not me, but still awesome.
• I became a nerdfighter and was welcomed into a community that would literally change my life and the way I think about the world.
• I got a four on my AP Euro test. A FOUR!
• I got into mixed choir.
• I was elected treasurer of drama club.
• The book Paper Towns changed my outlook in everything.
• I taught myself how to be amazing at Tetris.
• I got my learner's permit and learned how to drive.
• I spent another amazing weekend at the beach and learned so much from my amazing Hebrew High friends and one of the greatest teachers I've ever head, and later that year I cried (four times in one evening) the last time I saw her before she moved to Brazil.
• I failed to pull an all-nighter, but still had a great time, at Relay for Life.
• Daniel Radcliffe presented a Tony Award to Sutton Foster. It made my life.
• My friends and I choreographed a dance to a medley of songs from Hercules. It was needless to say pretty awesome.
• Anne Brashares came out with a fifth Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants book.
• I became Pottermore beta... which was ultimately a huge disappointment, but was momentarily awesome.
• I pre-ordered The Fault in Our Stars.
• I cried many, many times over the ending of the Harry Potter series, but was thrilled with how amazing the film turned out and made so many great memories to go with it.
• I had another great summer at the Friendship Circle camp.
• I went to the beach on Nicki's birthday and laughed so much in one day it was ridiculous.
• I spent the most magical week of my life at Walt Disney World with my family.
• Between sophomore and junior year I got to be educated by the best English, history, and math teachers I've ever had.
• I got onto the Comedy Sportz team with the best newbies ever.
• I had a non-cursed sweet sixteen.
• I was on the best scavenger hunt team ever, the Flaming Spaniards.
• I had the time of my life with my best friends at Faux-coming.
• I went to a simply fantastic tea party.
• I read The Hunger Games series and absolutely LOVED all three books.
• I had the biggest and most challenging role I've ever had in the best show I've ever performed in, All My Sons.
• I saw my best friend dance the lead in The Nutcracker and was with her when one of the greatest dancers of our generation signed her pointe shoes.
• I found out I'm going to meet John and Hank Green on January 26.
• I got to help a musical come together in three weeks.

But the absolute best thing that happened to me in 2011 was that I made friends in the most unexpected of ways and I'm now so close to people I would never have ever thought I'd even be friends with. Here's to another great year in 2012.

An Open Letter to the Cast of All My Sons

Dear Alexandra, Evan, CiCi, Hunter, Kathy, Kyle, Matt, Max, Melanie, Nitzan, Ryan, Sammy, Sarah, Shaq, Sydney, Tyler, and the crew (there are too many crew members to name),

I know I was always the first person to complain when it came to All My Sons. Honestly, at first I didn't even want to audition, but I am so glad that I did. I'm not even exaggerating when I say that I've never had more fun with a cast- I've had a great time with each and every one of you over this nearly three month process.

As you guys saw in my paper plate award tonight, this show hasn't been the easiest for me. Rehearsals have been tough but having all of you there is more than I can ever ask for. As corny as it is, this cast is a family and I know I'm not the only one that felt that. So many people went through so much during the long three months where we spent nearly every single day after school together, and without the show we wouldn't necessarily have had each other to help.

There were people in this show that I barely knew before we were cast that I'm now best friends with. I don't think it's humanly possible for me to love a cast more and I couldn't be prouder of all of you. We worked really hard and it paid off.

To those of you who I'm working on Spelling Bee with, I'll see you on Monday. And to the rest of you, I sincerely hope this won't be our last show together. You're all amazing.

Love,

Stephanie

P.S. I guess All My Sons is cancelled this year!

Worried

I'm sensitive. Anyone that knows me know that. And by that I don't mean that I cry when people offend me, if that was true I wouldn't have any friends. I'm sensitive to other people's thoughts and feelings. This causes me to worry. A lot.

I mean, I worry about myself too. My friend Julie and I spent probably 45 minutes yesterday talking about something we're worried about... that's in February. But what I'm talking about is how I worry about other people, whether I know them or not. Today I found out my empath quotient, which is graded on a scale of 1 to 80. The average woman gets about a 47. I got 62, which is somewhere on the border of above average and unusually high.

Being an empath has often put me in the situation where I'm the friend that people can go to for anything, which in turn puts me in the situation of knowing things I can't tell anyone. And although I don't really mind being that person and I love that my friends can trust me, but I do bear a constant emotional weight on my shoulders. I'm not complaining, exactly. I've just had an emotionally exhaustive week. Let's just say, on Wednesday night alone I cried four times because my old teacher got married and is moving to Brazil.

My friends tease me for being emotional, but it used to be so much worse. When I went to high school I made a resolution to stop crying in front of people, and I didn't until January of that school year. Now I do so sparingly, which is still probably more than most people. Oh, well. Better out than in as I always say (name that movie quote).

The fact that I'm so open with my emotions has probably greatly contributed to the fact that two of my favorite things are writing and acting. Go figure.

This is getting increasingly ramble-y and I don't really remember what I intended to write about. I titled this entry "Worried." Probably because I am.

Happy birthday to Jeff Bridges, Fred Armisen, Tyra Banks, and Orlando Brown.

I have too much to do.

November 9

I've come to the conclusion that it's impossible not to like history. People say they don't like history because it's boring or unimportant or whatever stupid reason they come up with, but it's impossible to genuinely hate everything about history. Here's why.

Everything is history. Everything has history and everything is slowly fading into history as we say it or write it or do it. This blog in some contexts can be considered a historical document. It's a primary source depicting how a very odd sixteen year old female felt about things in the year 2011. Is it reliable? Well, you found it on the internet, so it must be trustworthy.

Anyway, I was thinking about how through studying history you study everything else too. Not necessarily to your fullest ability, but to understand any given time period we don't just try to understand their politicians and their wars, but we need to understand their literature and art, their discoveries and scientific advancements... we basically need to understand as much as we can. There is no facet of any given culture that isn't touched by current events and doesn't have an effect on it's world, everything is important. Because I have this knowledge it really bothers me how little I know. Even though I act like I do, I don't know everything. I learn knew things every day. Today I learned about comedia del arte at Elizabeth's show. Yesterday I learned that at the end of "I Got Life" from Hair, they're saying, "Amen," and not "Gay men."

Anyway, as a student and lover of history I noticed something interesting about Wednesday's date: November 9. I'm not one to deliberately memorize dates, but sometimes they tend to stick out in my mind (i.e. July 14 is Bastille Day, November 11 is Armistice Day, August 24 is John Green's birthday, etc.). Two dates corresponded to November 9: Kristallnacht and the fall of the Berlin Wall.

Kristallnacht took place on November 9-10, 1938 and was the deliberate alienation of Jews in Germany, Austria, and the Sudetenland. The Nazi's used the evening as an opportunity to place more targets on the backs of the innocent and to wrangle support from fearful and desperate followers. Hitler used it just as he used all his other political moves, as a means to get one step closer to total imperialism.

51 years later, on November 9-10, 1989, the Berlin Wall that was put in place post World War II to keep the political ideas of the East and the West from mixing , inspiring new thought, and allowing freedom. The wall's fall in 1989 symbolized the end of the Cold War, with freedom winning.

That's one of the many things I love about history. Odd coincidences. I love 'em. I love them and I love random facts and the great people and the unexplained occurrences. I love when people do things that no one saw coming. I love when a few small things effected the entire world. Because nothing's small.

I think maybe another reason people don't like history is because it's scary. There's really nothing scarier then what man can do. A possible exception being the bubonic plague. That shit's horrifying. But anyway, when we look back and see how much destruction and pain man has caused, it's actually terrifying. People do horrible things for horrible reasons. But that fear is the problem. We can't view the past as a series of mistakes that cause trepidation towards the future and prevent us from moving on. We should look at the past because within it are our answers. We can see all the mistakes that we should never make again and all of the tried and true solutions that can be applied to modern situations. They say that history repeats itself, but the phrase always has such a negative connotation when, if only we could repeat the positive things, it could mean great things.

And this is the part of the blog that's going to sound absurdly naive and hopeful and optimistic, but I feel like at least the good guys always win. And I know that the winners get to write history, but I find that it would be pretty hard to spin the story so that the Axis winning World War II would be good or that the Confederacy winning the Civil War would be good or that it would be great if everyone was still colonies of a few countries thousands of miles away. You know?

So, that's my corny view on history. I love it. It's beautiful. It's really important to me that I remember the past. After all, we are only a product of our memories.

Happy birthday to Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Karl Marx, Grace Kelly, Megan Mullally, Neal Shusterman, Tonya Harding, Ryan Gosling, Anne Hathaway, and one of my best friends in the entire world, Sophie.

This blog. What am I gonna do?

I'm gonna go watch HP7p2 and cry.

It's Been a Long Couple of Weeks

I miss this blog. I don't see you enough.

As the title implies, my weeks have been long recently. Stressful and scary and sad and altogether not good. This is going to be mostly a bit of reflection on my part, and definitely more depressing then what I usually choose to write about, but here it goes.

On Monday after fourth period, already thoroughly depressed by a movie I watched about the slave trade, I walked out of class to find out that my friend's boyfriend took his own life.

The shock I felt upon hearing the news was indescribable, and I can't even imagine how his parents and close friends felt. I hadn't known him personally, we went to Hebrew School together when we were little. I know him best as that guy I had to pretend to be married too for a Hebrew School play. It was very embarrassing for my approximately 10 year old self.

However, I still felt the pang of a loss. It was a loss to the community and a loss to my friend. The feeling is completely indescribable.

The following evening a candlelight memorial was held in the main quad at my school. The same event was used to honor two other students, one died of an accidental alcohol-related incident and another committed suicide a few weeks earlier. The memorial was one of the most painful events I've ever attended. Hearing the cries of a mother whose son is no longer with us is something that no one should ever have to experience. I felt guilty for sobbing over bad grades and fights with my parents. Those weren't real tears. The tears of the boys' mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, girlfriends, friends, classmates, and teachers were.

It's hard to think about the things people said. The speeches given by loved ones were emotionally stirring and hard to listen too. Wax from the candle I was holding melted all over my shoes, and I can't bring myself to clean them. It's a reminder of the things I heard.

If one positive thing can come from these horrible tragedies, it is that we can learn that every action we choose to take affects someone else. The harsh words we say, sometimes jokingly, mean something, but so do the kind ones. Words of kindness and friendship are the best things we can offer to anyone. Sometimes people put on a brave face and act like they're okay, but oftentimes the bravest ones are those who are the most sad. Be there for them. Let them know that they aren't alone. And if you have any suspicion that they might hurt themselves, or even take their own life, tell an adult.

That's pretty much all I have to say right now. I have to go make people laugh, which is probably one of the best things I can do right now. Just.... love everybody. That's what I'm trying to do.