This isn't a habit I'm proud of or I do intentionally, but I usually use it when something bad happens to ease the pain for myself. And probably I subconsciously want other people to view me a certain way, but at least in my conscious mind it seems like I tell little half truths to avoid facing the magnitude of the truth.
For example, right now I'm taking three weeks of an Algebra II class at summer school. I didn't flunk out or anything, but I took a really hard IB math course first semester (moral of this story: the IB program is not my thing) and that resulted in me getting a C and switching into Algebra II. I did pretty well in the second semester Algebra II class, but I have to get a B in summer school or they won't let me into Pre-Calculus, and I'll have to take finite mathematics, which frankly is a stupid person math class.
That, right there, was the truth. However, when people ask me why I'm in the class I don't mention the grades or the impending doom of finite math, I just kind of shrug and say it's to get the credits for college. Which is also true, it's just not the main reason. This leads me to two questions:
1. Is it necessary that other people know the truth about my faults?
2. Is it necessary for my own personal improvement that I tell other people about my faults?
So far I feel that the answer to question one is no, but the answer to question two might be yes. When it comes to talking to people I don't know very well or am uncomfortable with, it's often easier to give the shorter, half-true answer. But I don't know if it's good for me to go on like that, especially with people I feel like I could be close friends with. For example (I need to think of another phrase that means 'for example'), earlier last year I was walking with my friend Clair at school when we saw a poster for the fall play. She casually asked me if I had auditioned, and I said no. But I had auditioned, I just hadn't gotten in.
Was I harming anyone with that little white lie? No. It didn't effect anyone or anything. But if I can't own up to my own little slip-ups to my friends, then what's going to happen when I have a BIG slip-up? Because I do mess up a lot of things. I poked myself in the eye with a straw today. If that can happen I can probably mess up a lot of things. And I think it's important that I can acknowledge my own downfalls, and until I'm at a place where I can do that securely and not beat myself up and spiral downhill into a pit of low self-esteem. Until then, I just need to be honest. Not necessarily to complete strangers, but always to my friends.
Take today, for example (darn you stupid phrase). After summer school I walked to lunch with my friends Tyler and Haley, and although I've known them for a while (I've actually known Haley since I was about six or seven), we haven't spent much time just us. And we were at lunch for a really long time, thankfully we were three of the only people in the restaurant, and we just rambled on from subject to subject and I was able to be really honest with them. We just talked about our experiences with theatre and other random things and I didn't lie or stretch the truth or eliminate facts. And it was all very good and lovely and nothing bad happened, and I hope I can be like that in the future. I would continue boring you with musings on my innermost qualities, but I have to catch a bus at 6:45 tomorrow morning and force a grumpy bus driver to make change for a ten, so I'm going to go to sleep.
Happy birthday to Joseph Papp, Kris Kristofferson, Meryl Streep, Cyndi Lauper, Erin Brockovich, and Dan Brown. Ok, that sentence was so filled with awesome, I can't even.... just go back and read that sentence again.
6:45 tomorrow.... I can't do this.