8/13/08

Ok, I know everyone thinks their family is seriously messed up and stuff, but I was totally born into one of the weirdest families in the history of the unverse. Ask any of my family, they'll admit to it. But guess this: I'm the normal one! Or at least I think so... Don't worry, I have a point in this ramble. Today I am focusing on the weirdness of my various family members.

Exhibit A: My sister Abby
My sister decided, since she is starting middle school in 2 weeks (LE GASP) that she wanted to borrow one of my middle school yearbooks. I said no because at least 58 people (I was bored one day so I counted) wrote deeply personal messages to me all over it. Some writing more then one. And I just didn't feel comfortable having my little sister reading some of this stuff. I mean, it's MY (sad excuse for a) social life. It's not something I want my sister to know all the gory details of. In this scenario my mom sided with my sister that it is just a book and she will look at the pictures and not read the messages. My dad sided with me! HA! OVER RULED! Ok, the weirdness will officially start now:
My sister was totally desperate to get me to give her this yearbook. She ever offered to play Harry Potter Scene It with me. Which I can creme anyone at. And Abby hates losing. But I said no anyway. Later we had a conversation sort of like this:
Abby: I love you Stephanie.
I guess I was spaced out or something, because then Abby goes
Abby: I JUST SAID THAT I LOVE YOU!
Me: Yeah me too, but we already knew that.
A few minutes later, my sister had huffed off into her room and kept coming down with pieces of paper with snide comments like:
On a scale of 1 to 10, you're a negative 1,000!
Somethings never change, like how much we hate each other!
You're a jerk, spoiled brat, meanie.....
And the list goes on. Most people in my situation would react (or the way Abby hopes most people in this situation would react) is by crying to her shouting apologies and saying something gooey like:
Oh, Abby! I'll do anything I can to make you love me [like you did two minutes ago] again! I'll let you keep my yearbook forever and ever and you can read all the personal messages and I'll do what ever you want for the rest of our lives!
Well, sorry Abs, not gonna happen. I know you to well for that.

So that was one reason why my sister is weird.

Exhibit B: My brother Max
Yesterday, my brother lost a tooth. Since then, our dog Buddy has eaten said tooth, but that is beside the point. My point is that my brother is the biggest miser in the history of 6 year olds. His tooth had started to get loose at my grandparents house, and being good Jewish Bubbe and Zeide (even though we don't call them that) they gave him a dollar right then and there. And said they'd send him two more when the tooth actually fell out. And of course my parents would give him a dollar when it came out. He then says to me:
Grandpa gave me a dollar, Grandma gave me a dollar, Mommy gave me a dollar, Daddy gave me a dollar, now you have to give me one.
And he held out his hand. I'm just all, "No way!" This kids is rich. I borrowed 14 bucks from him once to go out to lunch with my friends 'cause I was totally broke. Now I have money because I'm constantly babysitting, but that was a while ago. And here's the even weirder part:
My brother got my dad to tell him the tooth fairy wasn't real before he ever lost a tooth. But he tells people he beleives in her to get the money. What is with this kid?

Exhibit C: My loving Ma and Pa, and of course, the tooth fairy
On the subject off tooth fairies, I'd like to talk a little about my siblings and my upbringing. Because we're Jewish we'd never beleived in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny or any of that. But for some reason, my parents found it necessary to lie to us all about the tooth fairy. I will tell you the story of each of our experiences with "her."
Me: I lost teeth really early on. When I was about 4 and a half I lost my first tooth. I was really mentally unprepared for this so I thought it was a horrible bad thing and walked around the house all day covering my mouth so no one would find out. But then I discovered the tooth fairy. My mom also made up this story about how she would email the tooth fairy and tell her the tooth had fallen out. That was also her excuse when ever she didn't remember to put anything under our pillow. "I forgot to send the email, sorry!" I kept loosing teeth of course, but in 3rd grade when I was about 8, I showed up at school with a missing tooth. I was so excited to show my two new best friends (key word NEW) the gap. These two new friends were Snickers and Shadow (don't ask, nickname, long story). Our conversation went something like this:
Me: Guess what guys! I lost a tooth!
Them: *sarcasm filled tone* Did you get anything from the tooth fairy? Did she bring you money?
Me: *catching on to their tone* Umm... yeah.
Them: *looking like they really shouldn't have said something* Oh....
And then I figured it out. And I went home and my mom gave me the whole, "She's real if you want her to be," speech. Which a year later I heard again when I witnessed Shadow figuring out that Santa didn't exist. It wasn't pleasent.

Abby: To this day, as an 11 year old girl starting 6th grade, no one has told my sister the tooth fairy isn't real. Some days I want to go and let her down easy because that will be more pleasent then her friends telling her later. Really, Mom and Dad, I know you're reading this. Just tell her!

Max: My brother figured it out on his own when he was about 4. Which kind of sucks. My brother is the least little kidish little kid ever. Even though he pretends to beleive in the tooth fairy, it's still no fun not even getting to be all excited amd witness his happiness.
See, most of the time, Disneyland is more fun if you go with a little kid (even though my friends strongly disagree). I just think it's much more worth while going and watching their faces light up when they see their favorite characters walking around like they own the place. That was always such a huge deal for me and my sister. Now when we go, my sister and I still freak out over them (what's the point of going to Disneyland if you can't forget reality for a while?) while my brother goes:
Their just actors in costumes. That's not really Mickey. It's just someone playing pretend.
What kind of 6 year old is this kid? He totally ruins the Disney vibe!

So that's why my family is very, very, weird. And why the tooth fairy sucks.

P.S. Mom, this was not a blog I wrote in my angst against my family. I just thought it would be a funny topic. I'm not resentful towards any of you. But don't deny that any of this isn't true, because we both know it totally is!

P.P.S. Happy Birthday to Annie Oakley and Alfred Hitchcock! If either of you are reading this (wait, both of you are dead...) Annie, you're life was made into an amazing play which I had the honor of being in and everytime I hear the story of how you and Frank died I totally chock up and sometimes cry! Alfred, I'm to much of a chicken to watch you're movies but I've heard they're amazing!

P.P.P.S. Do you know how long it took me to figure out the P.S. stood for post script? I never got that...

P.P.P.P.S. I'm going to the Santa Monica Pier with Sars and Snickers tomorrow! If any of my devoted fans (snort) want to meet me there, I'll be the one wearing... oh who knows? I never plan what I'm wearing a day ahead. Who does that?

P.P.P.P.P.S. I just had to give my mom 10 bucks to give my siblings because she forgot to get money from the ATM, I mean the tooth fairy. I only gave it to her because she said she'd tell my sister the truth tomorrow and she needs the money to soften her up.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. My mom thinks it's only fair that you all know the reason my sister does these things is because she has autism. Hardy har har. See? That's not funny! This is a comedy blog thing! It's not funny to talk about all the weird things my autistic sister does! It's only funny if the audience doesn't know she has autism. But now I've ruined it for them and they're going to feel all bad about laughing add it. But I don't want them too, I was TRYING to make them laugh, not mope in despair. Le duh.